Saturday, January 2, 2010

Trying to Recover

It's been an exhausting few days, New Year's or not, full of anxiety and insecurity.

Ever since my episode at the ER, every little twinge or twitch on my skin or in my throat sets my heart racing, and my mind tumbling through all sorts of possibilities. The doctor told me to keep taking the antihistamines, so I have, but they seem to make me incredibly tired, even though they're supposed to be non-drowsy.

I have been knitting, though. I've been working on an entrelac scarf from the Alpakka that I bought in Winnipeg. I'm using Eunny Jang's tutorial that I downloaded from Knitting Daily, and it's much easier than I thought it would be. For a day or so, I thought perhaps I might be allergic to this as well, but I think it might just be the little sticky-out hairs that might be getting caught in my throat. Regardless, it's been an interesting project, although difficult to enjoy without worrying. I'm sure it'll take me a while to finish it, since I keep putting it down to give myself a rest from it, just in case.

What if I am allergic to wool? What'll I do then? It's very depressing to ponder the idea that I might have to give all this up. I mean, I know I can knit in acrylic and bamboo and cotton, but the idea of not being able to make what I want, or not even to be able to even enter a yarn store really is a depressing idea. I'm hoping that's not the case, but you never know...

I've been hand-winding one of the Tanis Fiber Arts Lace Weight skeins I got in Winnipeg. At least I haven't had any weird twinges with it. And, it's lovely, even if it is taking forever to do it by hand.

I've been keeping my mind off all this by napping, reading and doing various projects around the house. I cleaned and oiled my sewing machine. I cleaned the bathrooms. And I baked some pandesal (a Filipino bread).

So, what of this new year? Could everything be changing? I don't know. It's terrible to be afraid all the time. It really is.


veggiebloger said...

YUMMY looking bread!

I have an anxiety disorder and sometimes a panic attack feels like an anaphylactic feels like your throat is closing and you get dizzy and you feel itches for no reason. I think because you did have a reaction to a particular wool maybe it's psycho-somatic in your head? give it a few days...allergies don't just pop up over have been knitting for a while now and you only had a reaction to one wool that you never used before. You are probably just really anxious and worried that it might happen again. The thing with allergy reactions if it doesn't happen within 16 hours it's not going to happen...and if you were THAT allergic to the wool that you were using you would have a reaction. I carry extra strength Benadryl with me everywhere I go as I have allergies to mold and dust and grass and trees that are pretty sever. I know you are scared it's going to happen again but living in fear isn't going to make it any better...b/c the panic attack and anxiety is going to make every little thing feel like SO much more...

AdrieneJ said...

Thank you so much for your comment. It's making feel a lot better. I did have the thought that all this is psycho-somatic... it's difficult to balance logic with being sensible. The hardest part is reconciling myself to the fact that something physical went wrong with me, when normally I am quite healthy and have never had to depend on medications to get me through anything. It is frightening, but I see your point - I don't want to live with anxiety for the rest of my life!

Thank you again. :)