Adrift

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. --Oliver Wendell Holmses, The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table

I've been finding the last couple of weeks really difficult, so I haven't felt very motivated to sit down and write a post here for a while. It's been a mixture of lots of different feelings... groundlessness, disappointment, anxiety, weariness, loneliness, sadness... I've been finding things around me are like a big, heavy lift that I need to do every day. When it comes to sitting here and writing, I've felt empty and silent.

But you know... this might be the only place where I can find my people, so however much energy it takes for me to write here is probably the most energizing thing I can do.

I've never been a particularly ambitious person, at least when it comes to my work life. I was never a child that dreamed of being anything specific... I might have wanted to be a ballerina for a few months when I was five... but I've always just worked at the thing that needed to be done. I've been many things, worn many hats, done many jobs. I put this down to my ability to learn new things very easily. You need a teacher? Ok, here I am. A manager? Sure, I can do that. Presenter? Videoconferencer? Programmer? Scriptwriter? Yeah, I've been all of those things.

And then, out of the blue, at 44 years of age, I suddenly realized how much being a Maker energizes me. And within the same thread of discovery, I realized how much the things I currently do for work really don't. Hmm. 

I think this is called a mid-life crisis.

Having made this discovery, I don't plan on making any flying leaps into the unknown, but I also don't really know what to do with this information. One thing I do know is that the Maker side of me is hungry and lonely. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to attend all of the fun courses and workshops I used to go to. Maybe it's because I don't have any Maker friends around me. Maybe it's because this Covid-world has driven me into my home, made people meaner, judgy, and cruel. 

So I've been knitting and reading and musing. And that's pretty much it.

Actually, that's not true. I think the hubby got a bit tired of my moping and booked a weekend away to Victoria last week for a change of scenery and to enjoy the sunshine. It was good to be in different surroundings for a while. We stayed in a new hotel that had an indoor pond in the lobby that was lovely and tranquil to hang out in:

We walked around and enjoyed the few days of sunshine after enduring weeks of rain and fog:

I stood entranced at the sight of this Art Deco building, which I later discovered is going to be the site of some new galleries and a museum. I'm looking forward to someday seeing the inside of it:

It was even warm enough for Seymour to have lunch out on a patio. He loves an alfresco meal:

I also came home with a couple of art supplies. Is that not the prettiest wee ruler you've ever seen?

While navigating this existential funk (that's a pretty good name for a band), I've been relying heavily on retail therapy for minor boosts as I go. I was in Nanaimo the other day and stopped at Mad About Ewe to have a peek at their annual sale, even though I had made up my mind earlier this month that I really didn't need to go. But somehow, I found myself in there. One of the shopkeepers asked me if I needed any help, and I said, "No... I'm just here for a wander and a pick-me-up," to which she nodded in sage agreement.

I came home with this ball of Kauni, which I think might go with an existing ball in my stash which needs to be used up:

And these skeins of raw silk which were 50% off and therefore jumped into my arms:

I initially picked up three of these skeins, but that left one lonely skein in the basket, which is always bad luck. I've learned that you will ALWAYS wish you bought the last skein:

I love the newspapery tones in this yarn. I am very much looking forward to playing with it:

In truth, part of the reason I haven't posted here for a while is that I haven't had much to show for my time away. As much as I know that the process is as interesting to share as the final product, it still felt a bit weak to turn up here with photos of things that looked nearly the same as they did the week before, even if there were several hours of work done in between. I am currently feeling quite pleased with the progress on my current experiment:

What you are looking at is the front AND the back of a top which has evolved to have the most interesting structure I've ever dreamed up before. It consists of a front and back panel of lace which were knit on the diagonal and blocked into rectangles (well, they're a bit wonky, but I'm hoping it works out). I picked up stitches along the long side and knit sideways to make the side panels. As I was knitting them, I decided to work in some armholes, and then when I finished that, I decided to do some waist-shaping using short rows. It took a lot of mental gymnastics to figure out how that would work:

This yarn has a bit of a halo to it, so I was not relishing the idea of trying to seam the pieces together with it like I normally would, as I imagined all those little hairs slowly getting balled up and tangled as I went. I decided it would be better to knit a side piece onto the back panel and then do a three-needle bind-off to join them. I am very pleased with the result:

I've also left the stitches on the armholes "live" so that I can slide a needle back in there and knit the sleeves on seamlessly. I hope it works out:

Since the lace panels were knitted diagonally, they are still heavily biased and the corners aren't quite matching up. I'm hoping that once I get the other sides knitted and joined, I can go around and straighten out the edges with some crochet stitches and then do another heavy blocking to neaten it up:

So there you have it: a peek of the inside of my brain. Now that I've finally sat down and written it all out, my thoughts seem a bit more manageable. It feels good to talk to someone about the processes involved in my projects, even if they don't always talk back. Thanks for hanging around and listening. Have a good week.